Saturday, 12 November 2011

it was a rainy day

Something I wrote for my uncle who was taken away from us last night after his battle with pancreatic cancer:

"It's strange how a life can be terminated so quickly without warning. One moment you would be happy and smiling, making promises and plans and maybe a few weeks or months later you're terminally ill and waiting to die. You want to hold on because there are people you love, and who love you and you don't want to hurt them, you don't want to lose them and for them to lose you and you want to see them. But a part of you wants to let go because it physically hurts and you're so tired of fighting. When you're lying in bed, not because you can because you have no choice to, you're feeling too tired to get up or even lift a hand or smile at anyone. You lie there and you think of your whole life, you ask yourself questions and you wonder why it has gotten to be this way. This.. everything you've done in life, led to this? It can't be right.  You haven't been a bad person, no, you don't think so, surely like everyone else sometimes you're bitter, sometimes you get angry and shout and yell and sometimes you might be a little rude, but at the end of the day you're human and you mean well. So you ask yourself, why you?
You think, I'll never get to see my son or daughter grow up, I'll never have the privilege to and it angers you. Your family and your friends, they're all there every day and they love you, they try to make you feel better and you try and try, just another day, just another day, it'll be okay, maybe I'll be okay. And then everyone is there one day, it could be rain and or shine and you're waiting and you're slowly losing grip. Everyone is there and in that moment you feel fine, you feel loved and capable and you can't speak because your head is a haze. You see them though, the people you love and they're in pain probably more than you are, you hope they forgive you as you close your eyes and allow yourself to drift off."

R.I.P Uncle Tam - 11/11/11

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